


It's All Hype!

by breeeliss



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Alya trying her best to deal with these children, F/M, Fake break ups, Fluff, Humor, Ladynoir Bonding, Platonic Friendship into Eventual Romance, Publicity, Romance, borderline crack tbh but ssshhhhh, silliness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-22 05:19:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11373378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breeeliss/pseuds/breeeliss
Summary: Alya accidentally gets the Internet in a frenzy after announcing that Ladybug and Chat Noir are dating, but the two heroes are adamant about correcting the error and making sure the world knows that they’re just friends. So Alya proposes a staged public break up to set everything right.In hindsight, she really underestimated how utterly freaking difficult that would be.Ladynoir July:Week 1





	1. Day 1: Patience

**Author's Note:**

> so im probably not going to be super on schedule with this (just anticipating my classic MO here), but the goal is to turn each week into it's own little multi-chapter since i haven't been writing much lovesquare lately. 
> 
> this one is set up to be a bit silly so i hope you enjoy! :)

“Ah, my lovely Lady, bless our good fortune that I may be able to accompany you home on such a cold Autumn’s night. Perchance the stars may be able to lead us back to your marble palace before dawn.”

Ladybug threw her head back and cackled. “You’re such an idiot, what are you even saying?”

Chat Noir scoffed. “Such a sharp tongue, my Lady. Whatever would your father say? Although, I suppose I could lock this secret away between the two of us should you permit me to seal it with a friendly kiss.”

Ladybug stuck her tongue out. “I’ll seal it with my foot up your nose if you’d like.”

“So not only does that sound impossible, but that sounds like a sinus infection waiting to happen,” he replied. “Do you know where your feet have been? I could catch a disease.”

“The depths of your dramatics are truly unfathomable,” Ladybug deadpanned.

“You know, my best friend tells me the same thing,” Chat Noir wondered. “I was thinking of getting involved in acting. I played a detective once. I was pretty good.”

“You should play a knight or something,” Ladybug suggested. “You know, really play up the whole needless chivalry and romantic waxing that you’re so good at. I mean, you’re getting practice for it right now.”

Chat Noir turned his head so that he could stare at Ladybug whose thighs he was holding as he carried her piggyback across the Parisian rooftops. “I’m helping you get home and you’re _complaining?_ What do you want from me, woman?”

“It’s just a sprained ankle! I could’ve limped home just fine. Or just swung back home without putting pressure on it.”

“Nonsense, my Lady! ‘Tis my job as your valiant prince to return you safely to your kingdom should you fall ill!”

“Fine, you goof, whatever makes you feel better, I guess,” Ladybug smirked, hugging her arms tighter around his neck. “Although you should add valiant prince to your repertoire. Start making a list for when you go to auditions.”

“Ooooh, will you be my manager please?”

“Am I getting a wage?”

“Of course, you’ll receive my utmost respect, admiration, and loyalty.”

“I get that anyway, but I’ll accept your payment.”

They both just finished up with two weeks of brutal exams at school, and Chat Noir had practically begged for the two of them to spend a day together that weekend in celebration. It had been a while since she spent time with Chat Noir that didn’t involve patrolling the city or dealing with akumas, and she thought it would be fun to see if she could spend the whole day with him. They’d been walking around the city, getting coffee together downtown, and having footraces on the rooftops before Ladybug had slipped on a chimney and twisted her ankle. It was nothing that some ice and a day’s rest wouldn’t fix but Chat Noir practically had a conniption about it and insisted that he help her at least part of the way home. They were at least a mile away from the bakery and her foot was throbbing a little, so she decided to let it go. Besides, if she was being honest with herself, she really didn’t want to cut the day short sooner than they had to.

Ladybug pressed her cheek against Chat’s and smiled when he leaned into it. “We should do this more often,” she said. “Sometimes, we feel like coworkers.”

“Coworkers?” Chat Noir laughed.

“Yeah, you know! Those people who only see each other during working hours, maybe hang out during their lunch breaks a couple of days during the week, and then never see each other again until the next work day.”

Chat Noir squeezed Ladybug’s wrist. “I’m pretty sure that most coworkers don’t know how many freckles are on their other coworker’s cheeks.”

“You don’t know that either.”

“Do so! Forty-two. I counted that time we were trapped in an alley for an hour.”

“Oh yeah,” Ladybug grinned. “I think that was the time I realized you had little blue flecks in your eyes.”

“See? Not coworkers. Coworkers don’t have the patience required to learn about the people who work with them. You and I are different.”

“I guess that’s true,” Ladybug agreed. “If I have the patience to sit through all one hundred and fifteen of your puns, that must be something special.”

“A hundred and fifteen?”

“I too am a very good counter.”

Chat Noir gripped her tighter as he crouched down and made a wide jump over an alleyway before turning to the left to head down a busier avenue. “So basically what you’re telling me is that you’re giving me permission to remain in charge of scheduling our friendship dates.”

“I’ll give you permission so long as you don’t get carried away with them.”

“You have no faith in me, my Lady. I know better than to do anything outlandish.”

“Free next Saturday then?” Ladybug asked. She pointed ahead of her. “You can leave me four blocks down. It’ll leave me close enough to my house.”

“Roger that!” he replied. “And I’m extremely free next Saturday. Wanna meet at the Louvre and walk around the palace a bit? We can take pics.”

She giggled and pressed closer to him when a cold wind blew against them. “I’ll try to show up all fresh-faced for you.”

Chat Noir started slowing down as they got closer to the point where Ladybug asked him to drop her off, but she didn’t have the heart to point out that he was trying to prolong their time together. Instead, she let him take his time and carefully let her down onto the roof while she awkwardly leaned heavily on her other foot.

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok? You could stay on my back and I can keep my eyes closed while I take you home.”

“Then you’re going to get hurt too,” Ladybug teased. “Don’t worry, it really is only a few blocks away. I’ll be okay, I promise.”

“Alright,” Chat Noir smiled. “Make sure you ice it and wrap it up with something. And keep it elevated.”

“I will.” Ladybug cupped his caw and leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for being so chivalrous and taking this poor little princess home.”

Chat Noir chuckled and placed a kiss on the backs of her knuckles. “It’s no trouble, you know that. But get some rest. If an akuma pops up tomorrow, I don’t know how well I’ll handle on my own.”

Ladybug twirled her hair. “Ah, what would you do without me?”

Chat Noir laughed and started backing up so that he could backtrack home. “Not much, you know that.” He jutted his thumb behind him. “Gotta get home, but I’ll see you later okay?”

Ladybug waved to him and stayed on the roof until Chat Noir was completely out of sight. She did her best to keep off her foot and swing on her yoyo as she looped around her neighborhood for a bit to make sure no one saw her sneak back home. She meandered for about five minutes before she landed on the roof of the bakery and slipped back into her bedroom.

Marinette detransformed when she landed on her bed and carefully climbed down from her loft so that she could grab her cellphone from her desk. She checked the four missed calls from Alya while she opened the latch to her room and asked her mom for some ice for the ankle, saying that she twisted coming down from her bed. If it was this late at night, she figured that whatever Alya was calling her about had to have been important so she called her back while she lifted her foot onto the desk to keep it elevated like Chat Noir had told her.

“ _Marinette!!”_ Alya screamed on the second ring. “ _Answer your damn phone!!_ ”

“I was downstairs doing something, geez,” Marinette frowned. “I’m here now. What’s up?”

“ _Okay, don’t freak out, but_ do _freak out, because you would not_ believe _the pics that I took today while Chat Noir and Ladybug were out.”_

Marinette rolled her eyes fondly. “Oh yeah, I heard about that. I saw them running around when I went for a walk today.”

“ _It was ridiculously cool, I’ve never seen them just hang out all day like that. But that’s not even the best part_.”

“Let me guess. It’s gonna get you a crap ton of followers and you’re going to be hailed as an investigative genius.”

“ _Ugh, you know me so well girlie_.”

Marinette laughed, but turned her head towards the latch when she heard her mother calling her down so that she could wrap an icepack to her ankle. “Hey, is it okay if you tell me about it tomorrow? I’ve gotta deal with something right now, but I’m all ears in the morning. I promise.”

“ _Everything okay?”_

Marinette winced. “I may….have possible twisted my ankle coming down the stairs to my bed?”

“ _You’re a disaster,”_ Alya chuckled over the phone. “ _Alright. Well, I’ll post the pics really late tonight so you’ll probably see them in the morning. But still call me, okay?”_

“I will I promise. Night, Alya!”

* * *

 

Just as she expected, Marinette’s ankle was hardly anything at all and she woke up the next morning with her ankle feeling a little tender, but definitely well enough to walk on. Lucky for her. She wasn’t sure if her parents were going to let her live down the embarrassment of a self-inflicted injury that was the result of climbing down from a bed she’d been sleeping in for sixteen years.

She’d tried staying up the night before to wait for Alya’s blog to update, but knowing Alya she stayed up until three in the morning and didn’t update it until long after Marinette had fallen asleep. Marinette sat in front of her computer and pulled up her bookmarks, bracing herself for whatever silly photograph that Alya had decided to blow up today so that she could pretend to be excited about it when Alya called.

But the moment Marinette loaded the first page of the blog, she cursed loudly and yanked on her pigtails.

The first post — pinned to the top so that absolutely nobody would miss it — was a photoset of Chat Noir carrying Ladybug home last night, of Ladybug kissing Chat Noir on the cheek, and Chat Noir placing a kiss on the backs of her knuckles while the two of them had equally wide smiles on her face. Marinette didn’t really need to see the headline on the post to know what was going on, but it was kind of hard to miss ‘LADYNOIR CONFIRMED!!!!!’ in big block letters across the screen right underneath the pictures. She scrolled down to the short text that followed the pictures and sighed in frustration.

_**.** _

_  
Hello my fellow Ladybloggers!_

_No your eyes are not deceiving you. Our patience has finally paid off and I can finally update you with some pretty monumental developments in the relationship between our two favorite superheroes. Now you can take a look at these pics and decide for yourselves, but if you ask me, that right up there is nothing short of L.O.V.E. Think these cute kids are dating? Maybe setting up for something more serious? Tell me in the comments and bask in the shipping feels! :D_

_XOXO Alya <3_

**.**  

“Alya, I’m going to kill you,” Marinette muttered. The comments were an absolute nightmare. Everyone was fixating on these photos that Alya must have grabbed on her camera phone when she was out last night. The theories were absolutely ridiculous. There were a couple of people gushing over their close friendship and partnership, and Marinette appreciated that at the very least. But the vast majority of commenters were all fixated on just one thing:

Ladybug and Chat Noir were very obviously in love and dating.

With a sick feeling in her stomach, Marinette checked Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and checked all of the Ladybug and Chat Noir tags. Sure enough, the photos were trending, and it had only been about nine hours since Alya had posted the photos. All the pictures were getting liked,  retweeted, reblogged, and shared on literally every social media website that Marinette could find, and she was convinced that if the whole city of Paris hadn’t seen these pictures, they were going to before Marinette even had a chance to finish breakfast. Freaking Alya. Marinette was two seconds away from showing up to her doorstep and throttling her.

Marinette waited until Tikki finished up her cookie breakfast before transforming and swinging out a couple of blocks away until she was sitting on top of a flower shop. She pulled out her compact and made a call to Chat Noir, hoping that his kwami would be able to tell that she was trying to get through to him even if he wasn’t transformed. Luckily, he answered on her third call, looking like he was out of breath and running while he was talking.

“ _Please tell me you saw the Ladyblog this morning.”_

“How could I not?” Ladybug frowned. “It’s all over freaking Twitter too. She only posted them last night how is this even possible?”

“ _I mean, if I’m being honest, with the way that Alya girl and all of her followers talk about the two of us, I’m surprised it’s not on the damn news.”_

Ladybug groaned. “God this is a mess. What are we going to do about this, people are never going to leave us alone about this.”

“ _I have no idea but this is_ super _not cool,”_ Chat Noir insisted. “ _Where are you? Can we meet? I sort of want to put this fire out as soon as possible if that’s all the same to you_.”

“Trust me, we’re totally on the same page,” Ladybug grumbled. “I’m pretty sure we stopped by her house last Christmas when we had to deal with that Santa Claus akuma. Do you remember the address?”

“ _Pretty sure. It’s a Sunday, she’ll probably be home. Wanna stop by for a quick visit?”_

“Sounds good to me. Loop around to the Notre Dame and I’ll meet you there.”

It didn’t take them very long to head on over to Alya’s house, all the while ignoring all the teenagers who were pointing to them from the street and yelling about how cute a couple they made. They both landed on Alya’s balcony and saw her sitting on the couch of her living room alone and updating her blog. Chat Noir reached forward and knocked insistently on the glass door until Alya looked up and smiled brightly at the two heroes. She practically threw her computer off her lap and scrambled to the doors to unlock them and come out to her balcony to meet them. “Holy shit!” she screamed out as she bounced outside, pulling a coat on along the way. “What are you guys doing here? Did you see the piece I did on you guys?”

“Yeah,” Ladybug muttered. “About that….we need to talk.”

Chat Noir scratched the back of his head. “You. uh….wouldn’t mind taking that down, would you? You see, this is all actually just a huge misunderstanding.”

“Misunderstanding?” Alya echoed. “Was that _not_ the two of you being all kissy and touchy last night?”

“I-I mean it was!” Ladybug amended. “But it’s not like that, honest.”

“We’re not dating,” Chat Noir laughed nervously. “Seriously. That’s just how the two of us are, you know?”

Alya crossed her arms and smirked. “Ah, I get it. You’re just _really close_. Right. Gotcha.”

“Why are you saying it like it’s a lie?” Ladybug frowned.

“I don’t mean anything by it, I swear,” Alya laughed. “Forget I said anything. I mean, I’m happy to take things down but it kind of already went viral. I can’t really control anyone who puts up mirrors of it on other websites. I mean, Lord, have you seen Reddit lately? That’s all anyone’s talking about today.”

“It’s only been nine hours!” Ladybug exclaimed.

“You really underestimate how much this city ships you two,” Alya snorted.

Ladybug rolled her eyes. “Perfect. Give it like two days and we’re going to be a meme.”

“We’re likely going to be a reaction image at best, my Lady,” Chat Noir assured her.

“Chat, you’re so not helping.”

Alya cleared her throat. “Hey, uh. You mind if I ask a question?”

“About what?” Chat Noir asked.

“Well, this isn’t the first time I’ve made theories about you two,” Alya pointed out. “Granted this one blew up like crazy and I totally didn’t see it coming, but Ladynoir has trended on the Ladyblog like four times in the past. I obviously don’t mean to make you guys uncomfortable, but I didn’t think this sort of thing would bother you.”

Ladybug big her lip and shared a gaze with Chat Noir. “Well….things might have….changed recently.”

“Changed?”

“It’s just that it’s particularly awkward this time around,” Chat Noir explained. “Trust us, we’re totally happy to let fans do their guessing and support us whatever way is appropriate. But this time it’s just toeing a really weird line for a couple of reasons.”

“Well, what’s the reason?” Alya asked. “If you want me to change the wording of the post I can try to do that.”

Ladybug rubbed her arm and sighed. “Well….the two of us are dating.”

Alya blinked a few times before her eyes widened. “Wait a minute you two are dating each other!?”

“No, no! Not each other!” Chat Noir amended quickly. “We’re both dating two different people is what we mean. She has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend.”

Alya’s mouth formed into a small ‘o.’ “I….am seeing the issue.”

“Don’t get us wrong it’s not like our partners know who we are, but it’s still just really awkward for the two of us, that’s all,” Ladybug explained. “It’d put our minds at ease if you could just take them down and stay on the safe side.”

“Shit,” Alya sighed. “I’m so sorry. I mean, like I said, I have no problems taking the pictures down and correcting the post but it’s really too late for that. People already latched onto this and there are going to be rumors about all of this spreading around to other blogs no matter what I say.”

“I hate the Internet,” Chat Noir sighed.

“Well, is there anything else we can do? You’re the social media expert!”

Alya drummed her fingers against her pursed lips as she paced around the balcony. “Well, there’s one thing we could do. But it’s a little complicated and it’s going to take some effort from the two of you.”

“Well what is it?” Ladybug urged.

Alya shrugged. “Well, how else do you counter a celebrity hook up? Follow it up with a celebrity break up.”

Chat Noir shook his head. “Hold on a second, you want us to break up?”

“That’s right,” Alya grinned. “Well, a fake break up technically. Since apparently you two aren’t dating which, oh my God, I’m still really freaking out about that because are you sure? Like totally positive?”

Ladybug glared. “No, actually, some days I wake up and I conveniently forget my boyfriend. Tends to happen quite a bit.”

“Alright, alright, I get it,” Alya amended. “Totally platonic, nothing going on, I screwed up and jumped to conclusions. I have learned my lesson.”

“I mean, that would work,” Chat Noir reasoned. “The fake break up, I mean. Might be a bit abrupt but hey! Let everyone else theorize about that.”

“Ugh, alright. I guess that’s our best option at the moment,” Ladybug said.

“It shouldn’t be too complicated,” Alya promised. “If I could get it on video and post it on the blog as solid proof, that’d be our best bet. All the rumors drop, you two are strictly friends and partners, and everything ends happily.”

Chat Noir raised his hand. “Uh, slight problem. Public break-ups are not one of my areas of expertise.”

“Oh don’t you two even sweat that part. Consider me your unofficial publicist,” Alya winked. “If it’s a fake break up you’re looking for I can orchestrate one no problem! Besides, consider this an apology for getting you two into this mess in the first place. I insist.”

Ladybug smiled. “I appreciate that. Although, if you don’t mind my asking, exactly what did you have in mind in terms of a break up?”

Alya clasped her hands under her chin and smiled innocently at the two of them. “Oh my darling heroes of Paris, I’m _so_ glad you asked.”


	2. Day 2: Banter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all don't even know how dumb this story is going to get. you've been warned.

“Geez, when you said you were familiar with Mecha Strike you didn’t tell me that you were a  _ beast _ at it!”

Ladybug poked her tongue out of the corner of her mouth as she leaned into her remote and punched out a very quick combo move that sent Chat’s avatar sprawling on its back. “You’re not using any of your fighter’s combo moves. You have all that XP building up and you’re not even using it.”

“Because I’m waiting for the magic defense booster,” Chat Noir explained, managing to get a couple of really good hits in. “I just need like five hundred more. I just got finished buying a second blaster.” 

“You do realize that there’s a booster you can add to your mech to make it so that every hit you make gives you double the XP, right? You’re better off saving up for that.”

“Wait,  _ really? _ ”

“Yeah, trust me it helps.”

“How the hell did I not know about that?”

Alya was sitting on the floor by their feet, furiously typing something on her laptop. “You know, when I invited you both into my home, it was not so you could commandeer my gaming consoles.”

“Uh, you said we could hang out until you finished coming up with a plan to break us up,” Chat Noir said. “Video games count.” 

“You’re both thrashing my high scores!” Alya complained when she looked up from her screen for a brief moment to see the fight occurring in front of her. “You’ve only been playing for an hour!”

“Sounding a little salty there, Alya,” Ladybug smirked.

“Heavy amounts of sodium,” Chat Noir agreed. “Are you almost done by the way? When are you going to tell us what the plan is?”

“Don’t you worry about that,” Alya said, quickly proofreading her document. “You’ll know when it’s time for you to know.”

Chat Noir tried to lean down and take a peek at Alya’s computer screen to see what she was writing, but Ladybug took his brief distraction as an opportunity to pull out a power up she’d been saving for the entire fight and finally reduce Chat Noir’s HP to zero. She dropped her remote on the couch, stood up on her knees, and cheered. “What up! Best 2 out of 3! Suck it!”

“That’s cheating!!” Chat Noir cried out, mashing down on the buttons of his controller as if it was going to change the victory stats screen that had popped up, signaling the end of the fight. “I wasn’t paying attention.” 

“Ah, don’t feel too bad,” Ladybug smirked. “Not even my boyfriend has been able to beat me. Consider this a privilege.”

“God you’re like my girlfriend,” Chat Noir complained, scooching over to the corner of the couch to mope with his arms crossed. “She’s ridiculously good at this game and I’ve only ever beat her like twice.” 

Ladybug snorted. “Sounds like the two of us would get along just fine.”

Alya hit print on the document and walked over to the other side of the living room to wait for her mother’s printer to spit out all the pages. “You know, I gotta ask. When the heck did this whole thing happen for the two of you? Aren’t there like rules about dating when you’re a superhero or something? They literally make entire arcs of angst around this in comic books.”

“I mean if they don’t know who we are, it’s not really dangerous,” Ladybug shrugged. “We’re both dating our partners as civilians so it’s just like keeping a really huge secret.”

Alya stapled together two packets of papers. “Who’s the lucky guy and gal?”

Chat Noir lifted a finger to his lips and winked. “That’s a secret. But I think we’re both dating our classmates, right?”

“Mmhm,” Ladybug nodded. “He sits one row in front of me.”

“And she sits in the seat directly behind mine.”

“That is so storybook I almost wouldn’t believe either of you if I didn’t have two friends in my class who are also dating.” Alya stared off into space and frowned. “Maybe I have to start dating the people that sit near me in class too. I feel like I’m missing out on a trend.”

Ladybug chuckled. “I thought we were here to talk about break ups not hook ups.”

“Alright, alright, fine. You guys give me your romantic juju advice after this is over.” She handed over the two packets that she’d just printed out. “Here are your scripts, children!”

Chat Noir’s face fell. “Scripts?”

“That is correct,” Alya said proudly. “Here’s what I’m thinking. Very painless and easy for the two of you to handle. We’ll pretend I grabbed you two for an interview, boilerplate questions, nothing you guys haven’t dealt with before. Then, right in the middle of the interview, I’ll ask you a lighthearted question like, ‘oh who do you think would win in a fight between the two of you?’ And Chat Noir is going to say that it’s him.”

“That’s literally the stupidest thing you could ever make me say!” Chat Noir gaped. “We’re evenly matched on a  _ good _ day. She could kick my ass like right now.”

Ladybug nodded sagely. “When he’s right, he’s right.”

“Not the point! Point is, Ladybug is going to hear that and get really offended. You guys are going to get into this huge fight on camera, totally overpower the interview, and towards the end Ladybug will storm off angry and Chat Noir will leave the frame and go after her, and then we’re a wrap. Everyone will think you had this huge lover’s spat and then a couple of days later we announce your break up. Simple.”

“Simple?” Ladybug frowned. “How in the heck do you want us to pull this off? On camera no less?”

“Um, that’s why you have scripts. Was that not obvious before? All your lines are in red. Just read off the script.”

“You’re making this sound like this is just ridiculously easy.”

Chat Noir smirked. “Having some stage fright, my Lady?”

“No!” Ladybug said defensively. “Look, this is a great idea, but how do you know we’re going to pull this off? The two of us don’t ever really fight. I don’t know how convincing we’re going to be.”

“I think you two will do just fine, actually,” Alya said. “You two banter literally every other minute. And an argument is just a really mean form of banter.”

Chat Noir raised a brow. “Something about that doesn’t sound right.”

“Oh my  _ God _ , you guys are so picky!” Alya groaned. “Just read the friggin’ script! It’s all right there for you.”

“Wait, wait!” Chat Noir raised his hand in the air. “I have a question!”

“Why are you raising your hand?” Alya sighed. 

“Because that’s what you do when you want to speak?”

“We’re not in school! There’s only three of us, just talk!”

“I want to be respectful of the space and ask your permission first. You’re the publicist in the room.”

Alya scrubbed a hand down her face. “For the love of — fine, yes Chat. What’s your question?”

“Are we allowed to run lines first? Before we do a first take?”

Alya frowned. “Would a read through help make this more convincing?”

“Indeed it would!” he smiled. 

“Fine.” Alya reached over to Ladybug’s script and flipped four pages. “Just start like right here. It’s right when your fight breaks out so that’s probably the bit you’re gonna really wanna get right. We’ll run through it a couple of times and then we’re filming it. Okay?”

Chat Noir cleared his throat and smoothed down his hair. “Very ready. Ladybug?”

Ladybug bit down on her lip and worriedly scanned her eyes over the script. “Uh….gimme a second. I’m still memorizing.”

“You don’t have to memorize it. Just look down in your lap if you need to read the line. It won’t look that weird, I promise,” Alya said. 

“No, no, you don’t understand. I sound horrible when I try to read off scripts. I’m not an actress.”

“That’s why we’re going to practice,” Chat Noir soothed, pointing to her own paper. “Don’t overthink it, I’m sure you’re not as bad as you think.”

Alya dragged a chair over and sat in front of the two of them who were settled on the couch. “Okay, let’s just try to get this over with.” She cleared her throat and put on her interview voice. “So, I know everyone’s dying to know the answer to this: if you two ever got into a fight, who would win?”

Ladybug sighed and looked down at her script. “Haha. Wow. That’s a really difficult question. We might have to think on that for a while.”

Chat Noir paused, blinked, and slowly turned towards Ladybug with his brow lifted high. “....holy crap, you weren’t kidding, you suck at this.”

“What?” Ladybug said petulantly. 

“You sound like a robot,” Chat Noir laughed. “Oh my God, you really can’t act!”

“I don’t sound natural when I read!”

“I mean, I know, but gosh you certainly weren’t exaggerating. What do you do during drama class?”

“Oh shut up!”

“Hush, hush, just….” Chat Noir closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose. “Just let me savor this moment. This is a big deal.”

“I’m going to kick you.”

“What? I think it’s cute!”

Alya leaned her head over the back of the chair she was sitting in and groaned into the ceiling. “The two of you can manage to save the city from certain destruction during your lunch pauses but you guys can’t read a simple script.”

“Come on, Alya. We should try and be sensitive to Ladybug’s handicaps.”

Ladybug glared at him. “I’m cancelling you.”

“Aw, come on,” Chat Noir laughed, reaching over to hug Ladybug. “I’m just teasing.”

“Alright, can you just memorize them really quick? It’s super easy I promise. God, I swear, you’re exactly like my best friend. Can’t read off of paper to save her life.”

Ladybug puffed out her cheeks and read through her lines a few times. “Yeah, I think I’ve got it.”

“Alright,” Alya nodded. “And remember. This is supposed to sound like you guys are arguing alright? Make it angry and make it seem like a real break up. Same question: who do you think would win in a fight?” 

Ladybug sighed and turned to Alya as she gave a more convincing laugh. “Wow, that’s a really difficult question. We might have to think on this for a while….”

“No need,” Chat Noir shrugged. “It’s obviously me.” 

Ladybug turned to him and narrowed her eyes. “Excuse me?”

The expression on her face must have been too comical for Chat Noir to keep it together because he started laughing instead of sounding cocky. “You heard me. I think I’d totally win.”

“On what grounds?” Ladybug countered. “Do you want to sit through and count all the times that I went and saved your butt during missions  _ and _ still saved the day?”

Chat Noir smirked and cradled his chin in his hand. “That doesn’t count, my Lady. All those times you saved me was because I was busy keeping the akuma away from you so that you could do your thing. A one-on-one between the two of us? Please, I’ve got that cornered.” 

Ladybug scoffed, but kept an amused smile on her face. “Oh give me a break, I have way more range than you do. I could knock you off your feet from ten meters away.”

“I’m a way better close range fighter than you are and you know it!” Chat Noir countered. “If you ever wound up directly in front of me you would totally be outmatched. Admit it. I would demolish you.”

“That would never happen because I would never let you get that close.” 

Alya nodded along as they kept up the scene, deciding that they weren’t doing too badly and that it wouldn’t be very difficult for this to look convincing enough to do the job. But then Chat Noir stopped looking down at his script and crossed a knee over his leg, waggling his eyebrows at Ladybug and trying not to laugh into his palm. “ _ Never? _ That’s a shame. The view is quite lovely up close.”

Ladybug crossed her arms and smiled. “This isn’t time for your silly little attempts at flirting, you know. You’re just overcompensating because you’re all talk and no action.”

“No action? Slander, my Lady,” Chat Noir replied. “If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that when I say something, I absolutely and thoroughly mean it. You are wonderful, Ladybug. The fact that I’m openly acknowledging your shortcomings means that I’m not bluffing about all the ways I’m just better than you.”

Ladybug laughed, the offended expression she was trying to hold up completely cracking underneath the humor of the conversation. “Don’t delude yourself, kitty, you and I both know that I’m the hardass of the group. Give me five minutes alone with you and I’ll wreck you.”

“Five minutes alone you say?” Chat Noir said, leaning in closer. “That sounds a little scandalous. You’re going to make all the women in Paris clutch their pearls.”

“If it’s a pearl-clutching scandal you want, I’d be happy to beat you on live television for the whole world to see. Maybe it’ll fix that little ego of yours.”

Alya furrowed her brows, opened up her laptop, and scrolled through the script she still had up on the screen. She looked back up at the heroes who were still speaking and blinked in confusion. They were totally going off script. 

“Oh  _ I’m _ the one with the ego?” Chat Noir gasped. “Look at you over here. Like you don’t run around thinking that you’re the most show-stopping person in the room.”

Ladybug batted her lashes. “Well, I’m obviously not going to deny that. It’s not called having an ego when every positive thing I say about myself is objectively true.”

Chat Noir grinned as he but down on the claw to his thumb. “You really want to fight don’t you?””

“You severely underestimate how satisfying it’ll be to see you lose so that you can prove me right,” Ladybug said. “So yes. I do really want to fight.”

“Hey, whatever the Lady wants the Lady gets,” Chat Noir said. “I suppose the only thing to figure out now is when and where?”

Alya slammed her laptop shut and lifted her arms up into the shape of an ‘x’. “Okay. Cut. Timeout. Whatever. Just stop.”

Chat Noir immediately straightened up and looked at Alya innocently. “Sorry. Was that not convincing enough?”

“Oh it was convincing alright,” Alya frowned, “just not in the way we needed it to be. What the hell was that just now?”

Ladybug suddenly looked extremely puzzled as she shifted in her seat. “Um….we were having an argument?” 

“That wasn’t an argument, you dummies.”

“Yeah it was,” Chat Noir insisted. “I mean sure, maybe we went off script for a little bit but we had a disagreement just like you wanted us to.”

Alya looked between the two heroes in disbelief. “Do I have to spell this out for you? Are you guys really that oblivious?”

“Was it my acting?” Ladybug groaned. “Look, I’m sorry, I’m doing my best here, but I’m telling you this honestly isn’t what I do best with.”

“Actually, you were a little  _ too _ convincing which is exactly my problem,” Alya explained. “Whatever the hell that was, it wasn’t a break up argument. That was straight up banter.”

“Banter?” they both repeated. 

“Yeah,” Alya said, confused as to why she was the only one who had picked up on the obvious. “Banter. You know, the friendly and borderline flirty kind that got fans shipping the two of you in the first place? You guys were doing fine and then all of a sudden you just switched into that  _ thing _ . Whatever it was I just saw! No! Bad! Not gonna work! You guys can’t make this look like you’re having fun.”

“I didn’t even realize we were doing it!” Ladybug defended. “It just kinda comes out. Right Chat?”

He nodded in agreement. “Yeah exactly. That’s just our thing and it’s super easy for us to slip into. We didn’t think it was that obvious.”

“Having an eighteen-wheeler barreling through my apartment and running me over would still be more subtle than whatever the two of you just did,” Alya deadpanned. 

“Wait, we were supposed to be subtle?” Chat Noir asked. “I thought we were supposed to be really selling this?”

Alya lifted both of her hands. “Alright! Listen! Never mind. Let’s just start this over again. For the sake of simplicity and for my own sanity, let’s not turn this into a Hollywood audition. Just stick to the script. If you stick to the script you can’t go wrong. Are we all agreed?”

Chat Noir and Ladybug both gave Alya a thumbs up as they flipped back through their scripts to start the reading all over again. Alya was this close to developing a spontaneous migraine but hopefully this wouldn’t take up her entire afternoon. One minute you were idolizing your favorite superheroes as demigods who exceeded all of your wildest expectations and the next minute you’re trying to coach the two fools through a simple break up script. Never a dull day. “One last time. Start from ‘that would never happen because I would never let you get that close,’ and for the love of all that is good and holy in the world, don’t stray from the script.” 

Ladybug straightened her back, dropped her shoulders, and swallowed before she spoke her line. “That would never happen because I would never let you get that close.”

Chat Noir read of his script with a smirk on his face. “Never let me get that close? We’re dating, aren’t we? The whole point is for us to get close. Are you scared of getting close to me or something?”

Ladybug rolled her eyes sarcastically. “Why do you always have to bring that up? You’re always acting like I don’t want to be close to you.”

“It’s not that I don’t think you want to be close to me, I just think you’re scared,” Chat Noir replied. 

Ladybug allowed herself a sly grin. “I’m Ladybug. I’m not scared of anything. And for you to suggest anything other than that is frankly just a little insulting.”

“Oh, now I’m being insulting?” Chat Noir chuckled, his voice sounding smooth and amused rather than being riddled with anger and frustration. “That’s tall words coming from someone who is bathed in my compliments every day. I’m starting to think you don’t appreciate me.”

Ladybug pouted and tapped him under the chin. “Oh, what? You want a pat on the head for being  _ such _ a gentleman? That’s cocky of you.” 

“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that maybe —  _ just _ maybe — you can learn to give me a little bit of credit.” He ended the sentence with a wink that dissolved Ladybug into a fit of giggles. 

Alya gaped at the two of them and didn’t manage to get a single word out until they noticed the strange choking noises that were coming from her. She opened her mouth, closed it, and laid a palm across her forehead. “How in the holy freakin’ crap do you two even  _ do _ that!?”

“Do what?” Ladybug asked, finally sounded exasperated. “We read through the script exactly word for word.”

“You guys don’t realize how you sound,” Alya muttered in shock. “You literally don’t even realize it. You turned my angry script into more banter! How is this happening? I can’t get you guys to fake one single argument!”

“Oh come on,” Chat Noir tried to defend as he pointed to Ladybug. “Look at her. Can you in good conscience argue and yell at that face? It’s like yelling at a puppy. You try to do it and then you totally chicken out because you realize they don’t deserve it.”

Ladybug beamed. “Aw, Chat!”

“Oh will you two stop it with your disgustingly cute friendship? I’m trying to ruin your relationship here!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Ladybug said. “We’ll get it right the next time, I promise.”

Alya started rubbing her temples. “Can we at least act out the last page of the script so that I’ll be convinced that you guys can actually pull this off?”

Chat Noir flipped to the last page and stared at his line. “All it says here is ‘Chat says something really insulting and makes Ladybug storm off.’”

“I got lazy at that point, I’m not a screenwriter,” Alya complained, already feeling the frustration of the past hour getting to her. “I figured you could ad lib something there to finish off the whole thing, but now I’m realizing that was probably giving you two too much credit.”

“Well hold on, I think I could probably pull that off. Give me a second.” Chat Noir smacked his cheeks a little bit, turned to Ladybug, and tried to put on a stern expression that would likely preface a truly cruel and cutting line. “Ladybug. I just have one last thing to say to you?”

Ladybug’s eyes grew wide as she leaned back on her seat. “What’s that?”

“That all of this tox- _ hiss _ -ity in our relationship is  _ paw _ -sitively  _ claw _ -ful.”

Ladybug stared at Chat Noir with a blank expression for a solid ten seconds before she threw her script over her shoulder, let it fall behind the couch, and got up from her seat to go to the kitchen. “I’m done.”

“Yes!” Chat Noir cheered, pumping both fists in the air. “Three puns in a single sentence.  _ And _ I improvised that! Tell me I’m not totally amazing, I dare you!” 

Alya carefully set her laptop down on the floor, covered her face with both hands, and followed Ladybug into the kitchen so that she could make herself some tea and maybe keep herself from banging her head repeatedly against the wall. She had to give the two of them some major props. This went South ten times quicker than she thought it would. You sort of had to stop and admire dumpster fires that started that quickly no matter how much of a wreck they were. 

Oh well. Time for Plan B. 


	3. Day 3: Explosive

“So can I ask you something since you’re my publicist now?”

Alya was sitting in the shade underneath a large oak tree in the middle of the park they were hanging out in. Because it was Sunday, it was relatively empty. There were only around ten or so people, and they didn’t seem interested in causing a fuss over the two heroes being here, so Alya thought it was a safe spot for the three of them to have a quick lunch. She snuck in a takeout container she’d picked up from the Thai place right next to her house, deciding that she needed the energy if she was going to be tackling this break up scheme for any longer. She spoke through a mouthful of noodles. “You do realize I’m not a real publicist, right?”

“Maybe not, but you’re good at your temporary job,” Chat Noir said, sitting on the park bench right across from Alya and chewing thoughtfully on a piece of baguette. “And I trust your opinion.”

“Okay, so what’s your question?”

“Am I allowed to sponsor small businesses? You know, like get on camera, hold up a product and say something like, ‘I am Chat Noir and I’m going to head on over to Tom & Sabine’s for a nice croissant.’”

Alya snorted. “Liking the bread that much, huh?”

“It is literally to  _ die _ for!” he moaned in delight, taking another huge bite. He poked Ladybug who was next to him calmly eating from the takeout container she’d gotten from the same restaurant Alya had stopped at. “You sure you don’t want any? The bakery is literally right across the street. I always try and pick up something when I’m in the neighborhood.” 

“Even transformed?” she teased. 

“Of course! The owners love me. Ever since that Animan akuma, they give me free samples. You should take advantage.”

“I’ll make sure to try next time.”

“I’m not much of a commercial filmer. Although…” She put her food aside, took out her cellphone, and held up the camera. “Hold up the packaging with their logo on it and pretend like you’re about to take a huge bite.”

Chat Noir did as he was told, turning the paper packaging the baguette was in towards the camera so that the T&S symbol could be seen. He stopped just short of taking a bite off the bread and even managed to fit in a small wink before Alya snapped a couple of pictures. “I’ll throw them up later. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the buzz.”

“Sweet,” Chat Noir grinned. 

“Wait, I have a publicity question,” Ladybug said. “I’ve been thinking….why are we going through the trouble of staging a fake break up for a relationship that isn’t real if we can just tell everyone that we’re dating other people? Wouldn’t that be simpler?”

Alya and Chat Noir winced simultaneously. “That might get messy,” Alya informed. “Like super duper messy.”

“Why? It’s the truth, isn’t it? It’s not like we’ll drop names or anything like that.”

“Yeah, but do you ever see how the Internet gets over celebrities who are secretly dating other regular people?” Chat Noir asked her. “Right now people are guessing the date of our future wedding which is annoying for us but still pretty harmless. But if we say we’re dating other people, thousands of people are either going to pretend that they’re dating us or start getting to really skeevy levels of stalking to try and figure out who we’re dating. Let’s not even start with the Twitter and Tumblr wars all that’s going to start. That happened with this Gabriel model who was in a lot of their women’s fashion ads. It was a total disaster and she had to get off Instagram. Trust me. Not worth it.”

“At least if you guys pretend to break up, the most the fans are going to do is cry over it and set up altars to pray for you guys to get back together,” Alya explained. “You’re definitely going to get those super creepy fans, but at least you’ll have considerably fewer of them.” 

Ladybug leaned back in her chair. “Wow, I’m impressed. Didn’t know the two of you knew the inner workings of fandom culture so well.” 

“Spend literally a day on Tumblr or Twitter and you will be forcefully acquainted with it,” Alya muttered. 

“Fandoms are scary, my Lady,” Chat Noir nodded. “And our fandom is very passionate. You really need to read the Ladyblog comments more often.”

“There are hundreds of thousands of them, I’ll pass.” 

“I pretty much ghostwrote like half of them. I really recommend you read them.”

Ladybug flicked him on the nose and ignored him. “So what’s our next move and why are we in the park? Not that I don’t appreciate the lunch break but it’s kind of chilly out here.”

Alya pointed her chopsticks at the two of them. “Well, seeing as how you two are apparently incapable of faking an angry falling out — and I don’t know whether that’s impressive or pathetic — we’ve got to opt for a completely different strategy. And we’re in the park because I needed the food and the fresh air since the two of you are enough to make a sane person drink.”

Chat Noir frowned. “You’re not old enough to drink.”

“Exactly. That’s how stressed I am.”

Ladybug pouted self-consciously. “We’re not really good at the whole getting angry at each other thing. Sorry.”

“Not to worry, Ladybug. This is me we’re talking about. I already have another idea for how to break you guys up.” 

“Does it involve more script reading?” Chat Noir giggled. 

Ladybug smacked him on the shoulder. “You are never going to leave me alone about this, are you?”

“Not for at  _ least _ the next two weeks.”

“Definitely no scripts,” Alya decided. “You two can’t be trusted. We’re going to have to go for something that involves a lot less talking but is just as explosive.”

“Sooooo….like an actual explosion?”

Alya stared at him for a very long moment. “....how the hell is that going to help your current predicament?”

“I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here!”

“Getting you into a yelling match isn’t going to work because you guys can’t manage to insult each other properly,” Alya explained. “So we’re going to totally change up the mood. Which one of you is good at crying?”

Ladybug jutted her thumb towards Chat Noir. “He cries whenever he sees stray cats sleeping in gutters or cardboard boxes. Literally. Just completely starts bawling.”

“They don’t have homes Ladybug!” Chat Noir insisted. “They’re all cold and alone in the streets with no one to love them.”

“Alright, this is what you’re going to do,” Alya instructed. “You’re going to remember every single stray cat you’ve ever seen and start sobbing harder than you ever have in your life. All those kittens without homes. Stuck in the gutters. No hope in sight. Ladybug is going to do her best to calm you down, tell you it’s okay, that it’s not a big deal, but it’s not going to help. You’re going to storm off, tell her you need time alone, and walk away from her. I want this dramatic, I want this explosive, and I want this  _ convincing.” _

“How is him crying over stray cats going to make it seem like we broke up?” 

“Because it’s not going to matter what you say. From far away, Chat Noir crying over stray cats and you trying to comfort him could easily be Chat Noir crying over a failed relationship and you trying to convince him back into it. I’ll film this from so far away. People won’t be able to hear anything, but they’re going to  _ assume _ the worst. I’ll spice it up with my own impressions of your doomed relationship and make it really snazzy, don’t worry. All I need you two to do is go through the motions.” 

Ladybug snorted. “Well, I don’t think that’ll be too hard. We go through this exact scenario like twice a week.”

“I’m going to send you YouTube videos about homeless animals and kill shelters,” Chat Noir said. “Then I dare you to come back to me the next day and tell me that I’m overreacting.” 

“This time, no rehearsals!” Alya demanded, glaring at the two of them. “Everything’s gotta happen on camera. Is that clear?”

Ladybug and Chat Noir nodded while Alya threw out her lunch container and wiped the blades of grass off her jeans. “Alright, first thing’s first. Chat Noir. Start crying.”

Chat Noir blinked. “Wait. Like….like right  _ now _ ?”

“Um, yeah? That’s the whole point of this.”

“I can’t just cry out of the blue! My emotions can’t be faked! I have to feel the tears.”

“Are you serious?” Alya complained. “I thought you said that you were a good crier.”

“I said that I’m good  _ at _ crying,” Chat clarified. “Not that I can just cry on demand. That’s too much pressure. I need to be in the right mood!”

Alya turned slowly to Ladybug. “And I’m assuming you aren’t capable of crying spontaneously, is that right?”

Ladybug lifted her hands. “We already discussed that I’m not a good actress. If you’re going to ask anyone to fake a crying fit, he’s your best bet.”

Alya sighed. “Alright, well what do you need to help you start crying?”

Chat Noir hummed. “Not sure. I’ve never had to fake cry before.”

“Oh my God,” Ladybug groaned, leaning over to poke Alya on the shoulder. “Give me your phone. I’ll handle this.”

“I need to see a stray cat otherwise it’s not going to work.”

“Can’t you just imagine a stray cat?” Alya asked. “That’s good enough.”

“No, my imagination can’t properly replicate the visceral emotions that go into seeing a real live cat out in the streets abandoned by their family and sitting there without a home. The human mind is incapable of a task that huge.” 

“So what, do you suggest that we go out hunting for stray cats then!?” 

Chat Noir’s face lit up. “That’s a great idea! Let’s find a stray cat!”

Alya gaped at him. “You’re joking.” She turned to Ladybug. “He’s joking, right?”

Ladybug looked up from scrolling on Alya’s phone and gave her a flat stare. “Take a wild guess.”

Fifteen minutes later Chat Noir was running four blocks away to the local pet shop, buying two bags of cat treats, and making Ladybug and Alya accompany him while he crawled on his hands and knees around Paris trying to find a stray cat to cry over. He was checking on rooftops, underneath cars, in alleyways, and behind dumpsters, holding out cat treats and meowing loudly in order to make it easier for them to approach him. At one point, Chat Noir was sat at the top of a tree to get a better view of the neighborhood while Alya leaned against the trunk with a scowl on her face. 

“Okay, this was a stupid idea,” she decided. “We should just move on to Plan C.”

“It’s a little late for that,” Ladybug snorted. “It isn’t even about the fake break up anymore. He just really wants an excuse to go hunting for strays. He’s been meaning to get a pet for months.” 

“This part of the city is too busy, we’re never going to find one! Is there nothing else that’ll make him cry?” 

“Working on it.” Ladybug called up to Chat Noir while staring at a web page that she had pulled up on Alya’s phone. “Okay so I found a website that says if you yawn really big — like open your mouth super wide — and then blink your eyes a bunch of times, it’ll naturally produce tears and help you start crying.”

“The last website you found told me not to blink!” Chat Noir called back. “So which one is it?”

“No the last one said to keep your eyes wide open and then blink really quickly.”

“So do I have to keep my eyes open while I yawn? Is that even possible?”

“No! Just yawn, you dummy!”

“Where are you even looking?”

“I’m Googling! These are the first results that are popping up!”

Chat Noir widened his eyes and pointed ahead of him. “Look! It’s a restaurant! I’m sure that are little kitties digging through the trash. Let’s go!”

Ladybug turned to Alya and shrugged. “Maybe bringing up the whole stray cat idea was my bad.”

“No, I encouraged it,” Alya grumbled. She rolled her eyes when Chat Noir leaped behind a bush and left a small pile of cat treats before slinking off underneath a parked car to do the same. “Do you have to deal with this all the time?”

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s very dependable, very loyal, and I trust him with my life. When it comes to his job, there’s no one better than him. Outside of that? He’s a complete dork and stunts like this are the norm. Gotta accept him for who he is, you know?” 

Alya pointed ahead of them. “Ladybug, he’s leaving trails of food down the sidewalk like Hansel and Gretel.” 

“Chat, that’s littering!” Ladybug called out. “We’re going to get in trouble!”

“It’s for the cats! So they can follow me!”

Ladybug snorted in laughter. “Can you help me pick all these up?” she asked Alya. “If he does find a cat to keep, he’ll want the treats.” 

“Sure. Oh, by the way. Is Chat ticklish? Maybe if we tickle him hard enough he’ll start crying and I can start filming.”

“Don’t know if he’s ticklish but if you can find any bird feathers that might work. He’s deathly allergic to them and his eyes get all watery if he’s anywhere near them.”

Chat Noir spent the next half hour fully invested in his cat hunt while Ladybug and Alya followed close behind, casually chatting about summer plans, favorite places to study in the city, and whether or not Ladybug was ready for her end of year exams. Deciding that she might as well take advantage of the situation, Alya made it a point to grab footage of Chat Noir looking in every nook and cranny around the city for cats so that she could edit it together into a funny little video for her blog. In between, Ladybug kept trying to find threads on the Internet of theater kids sharing advice on how to fake tears on stage in case the whole cat idea went south. The search seemed hopeless until, almost out of nowhere, Chat Noir screamed at the top of his lungs. 

Alya quickly grabbed her phone back while Ladybug called over to Chat Noir who was staring into the alleyway with a strange look on his face.“What is it?” she asked. “What did you find?”

Chat Noir was gaping at something that Alya couldn’t see, but judging by the way his bottom lip started trembling, she had a pretty good guess at what it was. She leaned over and whispered into Ladybug’s ear. “Are those the waterworks?”

“Oh yeah,” she muttered back. “He’s definitely going to lose it.”

“Okay, approach carefully,” Alya instructed. “Wait for him to really let it out and then go up to him to try and comfort him. Try to stage it so that it looks like a dramatic fight.”

“Roger that.”

Alya stayed back to film from afar so that it would look like she just happened upon the two heroes having a conversation in the street. Ladybug carefully approached Chat Noir and schooled her expression into a look of worry. “Chat, what’s wrong, you can tell me.”

“I can’t even believe this….” he muttered, his voice sounding thick with tears that were just waiting to trickle down his face. “This is so awful.”

“What’s so awful?” Ladybug asked. “Talk to me please.”

Chat Noir was already leaving tear tracks down his mask and cheeks and he was furiously rubbing away at his eyes while Alya filmed the whole thing on her phone. This was perfect. They both looked incredibly convincing, especially Chat Noir who was sniffling and mumbling words into the hand that was covering his mouth and fruitlessly trying to hold back his whimpers. There was a small crowd forming across the street at the scene and Alya made sure to get a quick shot of that too just for good measure. 

Ladybug was still talking to him, getting closer to the alley and trying to see if she could find a way to gently approach him, but Chat Noir didn’t give her a chance before he dove into the alley, looked through the old discarded junk probably left by the tenants of the apartment building right next to them, and plucked out a cardboard box. Even from all the way over here, Alya could hear a chorus of small meows coming from the box, and Chat Noir’s crying turned into full blown sobbing as he tipped the opening of the box towards Ladybug to see. 

“Look at this!” he blubbered. “Look how young they are and someone just left them in the cold in an old smelly box.”

“Oh my God, they’re babies!” Ladybug gasped, peeking into the box and shoving aside the single thin pillowcase that was meant to serve as a flimsy blanket. She bit her lip and covered her mouth. “They don’t look more than a couple of weeks old. And there’s six of them.”

“Who would do that!?” Chat Noir wailed, garnering the attention of everyone within a block radius. “They’re just little kittens. Who would throw them out and keep them away from their Mama like this? Why are people so  _ cruel _ ?”

“Maybe they couldn’t take care of the kittens anymore and didn’t want to deal with the hassle of selling them,” Ladybug reasoned. “I’ve heard that happens a lot. They look like they really need their Mama’s milk. This is so sad.”

“ _ Sad!?” _ Chat Noir exclaimed. “This isn’t  _ sad! _ This is a travesty! Of all the indecent, inhuman, and inconceivable stunts that someone could possibly pull, this has got to be the most heinous. This is mindless cruelty! I can’t believe people would dare treat cats this way!” He picked up a kitten, nuzzled it to his cheek, and stared at the group of people still staring on at the scene. “Look at this!” he told them. “Look at how cute their faces are! How could anyone  _ do _ this?”

Ladybug looked nervously between Alya and all the concerned whispers from across the street and rubbed a hand on Chat Noir’s back. “Come on, kitty, it’s okay. We’ll just take them to the no-kill shelter nearby and have them take care of these little guys. Then everything will be fine.”

“No. That’s not enough. Here hold this.” He shoved the box of kittens into Ladybug’s arms, stood up on one of the outdoor chairs that belonged to the café right next door, and started speaking to the quickly growing group of spectators in front of him. “This kind of behavior is unacceptable, my fellow Parisians. There is something called the sanctity of life, and that sanctity runs deeper than just consideration for human life. It spreads to the lives of every living being in this world. We have a duty as responsible citizens to commit ourselves to the safety and wellbeing of all animals in our city. This atrocious behavior should not be accepted.”

A few people cheered and clapped at his words, and pretty soon Chat Noir was falling into a speech about treating animals with respect, abolishing kill shelters in the city, making community efforts to rescue homeless animals, and doing their part to help those small, fluffy creatures in the city who couldn’t help themselves. It was a great speech — so great that Alya was rather impressed that it wasn’t rehearsed beforehand. Pretty soon there was a pretty sizeable crowd listening on and cheering along with Chat Noir while people pulled out their phones to film and Snapchat the passionate rant. When he was done, everyone clapped and chanted his name while he carefully took the box from Ladybug, wiped his tears, and started walking towards the no-kill shelter. All along the way people were shaking his hands, asking to see the kittens, and offering to pay any expenses that would go into taking care of them. 

Ladybug walked over to stand next to Alya who had finally stopped filming the entire scene and pocketed her phone. “So,” Ladybug said conversationally. “Can any of that be used to fake our break up?”

Alya sighed. “No. Definitely not. We got out staged by a box full of abandoned kittens. Which means I’m going to have to think of a Plan C.”

“Well, you wanted explosive. And this was definitely explosive.”

“Yeah no kidding. Didn’t think the kid had all of that in him.”

“Thanks for understanding, though. He really needed to do that.”

“He’s going to become Paris’s favorite humanitarian overnight, you know that?” Alya smirked. She patted her pocket. “This is all going up on the Internet. If you two aren’t going to give me any break up material, then at least I can edit together a good video about Chat Noir rescuing kittens during his day off.”

“That’s good to hear!” Ladybug smiled. “But, if you don’t mind my asking, what’s Plan C?“

“Well, it’s funny you should mention that, because I have no freakin’ clue.” 


	4. Day 4: Common Interests

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to mlfanfiction for discovering that egg discourse is actually a thing
> 
> also, just a general reiteration: this is quickly delving into crack territory. try not to take it too seriously, yeah? :P

After Ladybug had to literally peel Chat Noir away from the shelter after the kittens were cleaned, fed, and given a place to sleep, Alya was about at capacity in terms of excitement and decided to call it a day. Ladybug and Chat Noir typically started their Sunday night patrols at around that time and Alya needed to get home and brainstorm some other gimmick to break those two up that was hopefully immune to their antics. 

She stayed up late to upload all of the videos and pictures from the day. While she idly watched all of the gushing comments filter into her computer and fill up her phone with walls of notifications, Alya couldn’t help but review everything she captured.

It wasn’t that she didn’t respect the fact that Ladybug and Chat Noir apparently weren’t a couple. If they said they weren’t, they weren’t, and the reason Alya was even helping them stage this break up in the first place was because she accepted that fact. She respected them as heroes and as people and she was doing her part to help them out. 

On the other hand, this whole “not dating” thing made no sense on about fifty different levels. 

By all accounts, it just didn’t add up. Sure, obviously, friends were allowed to be close and were allowed to be platonically intimate without it having to  _ mean _ anything. But Alya was picking up on this  _ energy _ between them. It was hard to explain and she couldn’t put her finger on what that energy actually was but it was there dammit and there was something else going on she was sure of it. Maybe there had been something between them  _ before _ they started dating. Or maybe they’d talked about wanting to date and found partners before they could even explore the possibilities. There was a whole section of Ladynoir fanfiction on the Internet that loved to play on those tropes. It wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that there was some truth to that. 

There were all of these pictures of Ladybug smiling at Chat Noir while he fed the kittens, of Chat Noir wrapping his arms around Ladybug’s waist while they smiled at the camera phones snapping pics of them, and of the two of them leaning their heads on each other’s shoulders while they watched the kittens play. It was just so sweet and affectionate and proof that there was  _ something _ brewing underneath the surface. 

Alya bit her lip, stared at her cellphone sitting on her desk, and decided that Marinette probably wasn’t going to bed anytime soon if there was no school tomorrow. 

She FaceTimed her and was met with an annoyed looking Marinette sitting at her desk with the lamp shining on her face. “ _ It is three in the goddamn morning, Alya _ .”

“You’re awake too!”

Marinette held up her sketchbook. “ _ I’m sketching out winter break projects. What are you doing? _ ”

Alya leaned back in her desk chair and propped her feet on the desk. “So I’ve got this question, right….”

“ _ I’m afraid to ask….” _

“What are your opinions on the possibility that Ladybug and Chat Noir are dating?”

Marinette snorted, not looking up from her sketch. “ _ They’re not _ .”

Alya scowled. “Don’t you start with your cynicism, you kill joy. I’m being serious!”

“ _ So am I, _ ” Marinette said, maintaining the calm that was only possible after having suffered through this exact conversation no less than seventeen times. “ _ I don’t know why you freaked out and suggested they were dating on the Ladyblog. They’re obviously not. _ ”

“How are they  _ obviously _ not dating?” Alya argued. “They look coupley literally 99 percent of the time. It’s ridiculous.”

“ _ They’re friends Alya. And partners who have to entrust their lives to one another. I’d be worried if they  _ weren’t _ close.” _

“Nah, girlie. I’m telling you. There’s something up. Can you keep a secret?”

Marinette smirked. “ _ Who am I going to tell? _ ”

“Fair point. So after I posted that picture of them on the roof the other day, Ladybug and Chat Noir came up to me asking me to take down the post because they’re dating other people!”

Marinette looked on either side of her. “....and?”

Alya sputtered. “ _ And!? _ What do you mean  _ and? _ They’re dating other people and not each other! Is that not the most insane and improbable thing you’ve ever heard?”

“ _ No, it’s not?” _ Marinette insisted. “ _ Look, stop trying to ship those two so hard. You’re going to give yourself a migraine. If they’re dating other people, then they’re dating other people.” _

“But what if they’re not?” Alya grinned. “What if they’re secretly dating each other but they don’t want the world to know about it yet so they’re pretending they’re uncomfortable with the situation by saying they’re actually dating other people when they’re really not.”

“ _....or they’re really dating other people.” _

Alya sighed. “Marinette, you’re no fun.” 

“ _ Listen. We’re close and affectionate and hang off of each other all the time, don’t we? But I’m still dating Adrien and you and I are just friends.” _

“That’s different, Marinette. You and Adrien are literally soulmates. Plus you and I don’t have the  _ thing _ that Ladybug and Chat Noir have. Oh my God, what if the people they’re dating are actually their own alter egos? What if Ladybug and Chat Noir are actually dating each other but as civilians, and they just don’t know it!?”

“ _ Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how downright unlikely that is?” _

Alya grumbled. “Yeah, okay, fine, that’s a stretch I’ll admit. Ugh, this is so annoying! Did you know that I spent all day today trying to fake a break up for the two of them just to smooth out all of these dating rumors I accidentally started? Did you know that I spent a  _ whole day _ trying and was unsuccessful? It’s because they’re not meant to break up, Marinette! They’re perfect for each other.”

Marinette smiled sweetly into the camera. “ _ Save it for your Ladynoir fanfiction, my dear.” _

“You’re no help,” Alya pouted. “Can you at least help me break these two up?”

“ _ Not my expertise, if I’m being honest.” _

“Well, what would be a viable reason for two people to want to break up?”

Marinette shrugged and set her sketch book down. “ _ I dunno. I mean there’s plenty of reasons. They drift apart, the timing was wrong, they don’t have common interests, their personalities conflict — “ _

“Waitwaitwait,” Alya interrupted. “What was that last one?”

“ _ Different personalities?” _

“Before that.”

“ _ Not having any common interests?” _

“Yes! That’s it!” Alya said. “That’s the angle! Thanks, babe, you’re literally a superstar.”

“ _ What the heck are you planning now?” _

“Nothing you have to worry your gorgeous little head over,” Alya assured, grabbing a notepad from her desk and quickly jotting a few ideas down. “If it’s successful, you’ll be reading about it in the Ladyblog tomorrow.”

* * *

 

At noon sharp, Alya grabbed her bike and rode over to the Champs-Élysées and found Ladybug and Chat Noir sitting on top of the Arc de Triomphe, kicking their legs as they hung off the edge. Ladybug waved at her as she chained her bike to a nearby bike rack and dropped her yoyo down so that Alya could hitch a ride and sit on top with them. 

“Holy hell,” Alya whistled as she looked at the view of the busy avenue below them. “I keep forgetting that you guys just casually hang out on top of buildings and bridges and junk.”

“Perks of being a superhero: you don’t get charged with loitering on top of national monuments,” Ladybug grinned. 

Chat Noir was holding his baton up to his ear and listening to what sounded like voices speaking through a thick haze of static. “Uh, it sounds like there’s a purse snatching happening in the 12th arrondissement. The cops are already after the guy though. Worth it?”

“If the cops are after him already, I don’t think they need us,” Ladybug reasoned. “Besides, the 12th arrondissement is too far away.” 

“Kay kay,” Chat Noir nodded. “It’s a pretty slow day this morning. It’s just them talking for the most part. Nothing too crazy.”

Alya frowned. “Are you two listening to police scanners?”

Chat Noir perked up. “Cool, right? I’m telling you our weapons are capable of some really cool stuff. We spent an entire day just playing around with them and figuring out what they do.”

“Hawkmoth sometimes goes into these really random periods where he’s very quiet,” Ladybug explained. “So if the two of us happen to be hanging out with nothing to do, we’ll tune into police scanners and see if we can help people out. We dealt with a robbery we overheard on the scanners this morning when we were on our way here. Not as complicated as dealing with an akuma but we try to help wherever we can.”

“Sure I’m not bothering you guys?”

“Oh no way,” Chat Noir waved off, clicking a button on his baton and slipping it back into his belt. “We were just waiting for you to get here. We’re all yours.”

“You seem eager,” Alya snorted. “That excited to break up with Ladybug?”

“Yesterday was oddly entertaining,” Ladybug said. “It was like one long fail compilation. You kind of have to admire that.” 

“That’s hardly my fault!” Alya defended. “You two are impossible to break up. All of those videos and pictures that I posted yesterday? It just made people ship you more. It’s like you guys are physically incapable of looking like anything other than a couple.” 

“Hey, that’s not true,” Chat Noir defended. “You should see her when I tell puns. She wants nothing to do with me! It’s because she’s a pun hater.”

“I’m not a pun hater. I just think your puns are terrible.”

“That’s so rude I can’t even believe this!”

Ladybug ignored him. “Look, trust me, we totally get where the confusion comes in. But this is just how we are. It’s not our faults that people read into it.” 

“I’m just in shock because you two have the deepest friendship I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’m talking as someone who loves the crap out of her best friend. Don’t you guys disagree on anything?”

“I mean of course we do,” Chat Noir explained. “Especially in the heat of the battle, the two of us have different approaches and different ways of doing things. But if we’re just talking normal stuff, there’s not much we don’t see eye to eye on.”

“You know, if we could find something that the two of you  _ didn’t _ see eye to eye on, that might be a good angle for us to break you guys up,” Alya reasoned. “Sort of like something that would be a deal breaker for either of you. Like if my future partner ever told me that they didn’t like chocolate, that’s grounds for a divorce.” 

“Ooooh! Do you think we have deal breakers?” Chat Noir asked, turning to Ladybug. 

“Not sure. We tend to not talk too much about our personal lives. Gotta keep the identities secret, you know?”

“Eh, deal breakers don’t have to be super serious,” Alya shrugged. “There was a couple in my school who broke up because one of them didn’t like cats and it was the most dramatic thing I’ve seen in my life. Like if you two broke up over something like that, I’d totally buy it.”

Chat Noir glared at Ladybug. “Please tell me you like cats.”

“I sat with you gushing over those kittens for two hours yesterday, Chat. What do you think?”

He nodded carefully. “Just checking.” 

“Listen, there’s some prime footage of you two out there bickering about puns of all things. It was about the only time I’ve ever seen you two look like you were genuinely annoyed at each other. Obviously it was harmless, but if we can present it as evidence of you two clearly being incompatible, I can totally spin that in our favor and get everyone buzzing over a potential break up.” 

Ladybug turned to Chat Noir. “Is there anything that we don’t agree on?”

“I can’t think of anything, but to be honest, I don’t think we’ve ever had the opportunity to figure out all of our common interests. Or uncommon interests as it were.” 

Ladybug snapped her fingers. “Oh! Food discourse usually starts big fights!”

“Is that enough to warrant a break up?” Chat Noir asked. 

Alya shrugged. “At this point, anything is possible with the two of you. I have no doubt the two of you would get into a petty shouting match over something stupid like salt and vinegar chips.”

“Oh those are gross,” Chat Noir said shaking his head. 

Ladybug shrugged. “Eh. Don’t love them, don’t hate them. Definitely not my first chip flavor of choice though.” 

“Oh. Do you like pineapples on pizza?” Chat Noir asked. 

“Oh of course.”

“Oh thank goodness, same.” 

“What about olives?” Ladybug asked. 

“Indifferent. I never really liked them when I was a kid but I’ll eat them now.”

“I like them, but not enough to kill someone over, you know?”

“No doubt, no doubt.”

“You guys are disgusting,” Alya said wrinkling her nose. “Like, leave alone the fact that you guys are being nauseating just because you’re still agreeing with each other on everything: salt and vinegar chips are amazing, pineapple pizza is an abomination, and olives are literally so effing delicious. God you guys are just like my friend Marinette. Totally disgusting it’s a miracle I still hang out with her.”

Ladybug laughed. “Fine then you come up with something.” 

“Do you guys like mayonnaise?” 

“Oh absolutely not,” Ladybug winced. “It’s such a weird taste and smell. Whenever they put it on sandwiches I want to vomit.”

“I get that, but it’s because you’re having plain mayonnaise,” Chat Noir explained. “You have to get the fancy mayo.”

“What the heck is fancy mayo?”

“You know, like chipotle mayo? Or balsamic mayo? Much better taste. Makes your sandwiches fancy.” 

“What about chocolate with nuts?” Alya asked

“Yes!” Chat Noir cheered. “With almonds!”

“Perfect blend of sweet and salty, plus it diversifies the texture of the chocolate,” Ladybug said. 

Alya raised a brow. “Yeah okay, Gordon Ramsay.” 

“Coffee?” Chat Noir asked. 

“I literally subsist off of it,” Ladybug said. “I love the stuff.” 

“Same,” agreed Alya. “There was one time I woke up and we were out of coffee beans and I legit started tearing up right in front of my coffee pressor.” 

Chat Noir blinked. “Okay, you two need an intervention. But yeah, I’ll give you that. Coffee’s great.” 

“Tea,” Alya tried. 

“I like it,” Ladybug smiled. 

“Same,” Chat Noir agreed. 

“God, you two are making this really freaking difficult,” Alya complained. “What about eggs?” 

Chat Noir made a disgusted sound and shook his head. “No way. Won’t eat them.” 

Alya was waiting for an agreement from Ladybug, but instead watched in amusement when Ladybug very slowly turned her head to Chat Noir and narrowed her eyes at him. “Excuse me?”

“Eggs? Yeah they’re gross. I never eat them.”

Ladybug backed away from Chat Noir until she was leaning against Alya. “Who doesn’t like  _ eggs? _ It’s such a versatile breakfast food and you can put it into so many things.”

“I don’t have eggs for breakfast,” Chat Noir said. 

“So what the hell  _ do _ you eat for breakfast?!”

“Cereals?” he said as if the answer were obvious to everyone else listening. “Fruits. Pancakes. Toast with spreads. Literally a bunch of other things that don’t involve eggs.”

“This is literally the worst thing you’ve ever said to me,” Ladybug shot back. “What is your issue with eggs?”

“They’re bland! They taste like nothing and they have this weird texture.”

“You season them! Eggs aren’t bland, you’re just eating them wrong. You always season eggs! And what do you mean they have a weird texture? They’re fluffy! There’s nothing weird about fluffiness.” 

“Eggs aren’t  _ fluffy. _ I don’t understand that comparison. Cotton candy is fluffy. Bunnies are fluffy. Eggs are  _ not _ fluffy.”

Alya bit down on her bottom lip and tried to contain her laughter while she surreptitiously lifted her cell phone and started recording. 

“I don’t understand how you can totally discount eggs in their entirety. There are about a dozen different ways you can enjoy eggs by themselves, and that’s not even counting all the dishes that you can find eggs in. Soft boiled, hard boiled, poached, sunny side up, omelets, scrambled — ”

“Oh scrambled is the worst!” Chat Noir argued. 

“What is even coming out of your mouth? How are scrambled eggs worse?”

“Let’s be real, it’s basically a botched omelet. Second of all, it’s just pieces of cooked egg thrown on a plate and called breakfast. Plus it’s always dry and rubbery.”

“You have been eating scrambled eggs all wrong. If they’re dry and rubbery that means they’re overcooked.”

“I don’t like runny eggs! They make me sick to my stomach!”

“You can make fully cooked scrambled eggs without making them runny! Do you not watch any cooking shows or look up recipes?” 

“No, because I love myself and know how to stay away from ridiculous foods like eggs.”

Ladybug gasped and placed a hand on her chest. “That’s is deplorable,” she whispered. “You’re deplorable. This whole conversation is a huge seven car pile up that’s spontaneously caught on fire.” 

“Over eggs. Really?”

“Yes really! I can’t even believe we’re having this discussion right now.”

Chat Noir lifted his hands. “Listen, you can talk on and on about this all you want, but you are never convincing me that eggs taste good. I don’t care how you cook them or how you prepare them. I’m not going to like them.” 

Ladybug held out her hand. “Is that a bet?”

“What are you even talking about?”

“Is that a bet? If I can get you to like an egg dish you owe me ten euros.”

Chat Noir scoffed and shook her hand. “Please,  _ twenty  _ euros says you won’t change my mind.” 

Ladybug puffed out her cheeks. “You disgust me.” 

Chat Noir reached into the pocket of his suit and pulled out a crisp note, waving it tauntingly in front of Ladybug’s face. “You’re never getting this. Ever. Not in a million years. You can’t convince me.”

“Oh, that’s it!” Ladybug stood up from her seat and pulled out her yoyo. “Pack up your things everyone, we’re grabbing brunch.”

Alya snickered. “You’re not serious….”

“Deathly serious,” Ladybug announced. “Come on. You’re riding with me. And we’re going to the nearest diner and we’re ordering  _ eggs _ .”

Chat Noir puffed out his chest. “I won’t eat them!”

“Oh yes you will,” Ladybug said. “You’re going to get your ass kicked by the flavor of the eggs I’m about to order for you.” 

Alya kept filming during the whole journey to a small diner located only a few blocks away from their school. It was rather funny, because she didn’t think that anyone was ever expecting to see two disgruntled superheroes — charged with defending the lives of Paris — arguing over something as petty as eggs and seating themselves down at their own table while brushing past one of the waiters who attempted to cut into the argument. Ladybug was angrily drinking her water, Chat Noir was glaring at the brunch menu, and Alya was happily filming all of this, ecstatic that she had finally found something to make these two look like they were one disagreement away from a full on war. 

Ladybug was very adamant in being read off every single egg dish that the diner offered and finally settled with something that she was positive Chat Noir would like: scrambled eggs cooked in butter and creme fraiche, served on top of whole wheat toast sprinkled with tomato chunks and chives. Admittedly, when it finally arrived at the table, it looked a million times better than any scrambled eggs Alya had ever tried to cook over the stove. She surreptitiously dug into her own plate of scrambled eggs and kept the camera rolling while Chat Noir stared skeptically at the plate in front of him. 

“It looks like mush,” he complained. 

Ladybug spoke through the mouthful of eggs she’d already started eating. “Just try it, you baby. It’s good. Because all eggs are good. Because I know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“The only thing good on this plate right now, to be totally honest, is the toast.”

“You’re the actual worst!” Ladybug complained. “Just eat the eggs. We have a bet to settle.” 

Chat Noir rolled his eyes, picked up his fork, and make a huge show of taking a huge bite of the eggs and savoring the taste before he swallowed. He stayed sitting in his seat, rolling his tongue around in his mouth, and staring down at the rest of the food left on his plate. Ladybug stared at him expectantly and kicked him under the table to speed up his response. “Well? They’re good aren’t they?”

“I’ll admit,” Chat Noir decided. “These are the best scrambled eggs I’ve ever had.”

Ladybug started beaming. “Yes!!”

“But!” he clarified, lifting a finger. “I still don’t like them.”

Ladybug slammed her fork on the table. “You just said they were delicious!”

“I didn’t say they were delicious. I said they were the best I’ve ever had. That doesn’t mean I like them. Just that all the scrambled eggs I’ve had before this have been terrible.”

“You monster,” she said in awe. “Literally the best eggs in all of Paris and you’re going to sit here and tell me you didn’t like them.” 

“I don’t like eggs, Ladybug!” he insisted once more. “I don’t know what else you want me to tell you other than the fact that you officially owe me twenty euros.”

“You only said you don’t like them so that I could pay you!”

“The fact that you think I would do that is insulting. I’m giving you my honest opinion that I still don’t like eggs.” He used his knife to scrape the eggs onto Alya’s plate and calmly bit into his toast. 

“I’m cancelling you,” Ladybug muttered. “Blocked. Reported.” 

Alya chuckled at the scene in front of her and finally ended the recording, pulling up her blog and making a new post for the video she was about to upload. “Well, would you look at that,” she said to herself. “Guess Marinette was right.” 


	5. Day 5: Right-Hook

Chat Noir used the twenty euros that Ladybug had reluctantly handed over to buy himself a plate of crepes and waffles, and after that the Egg Discourse™ had thankfully ended. They finished their brunch together while Alya started checking all of the likes and hits racking up on the video that she had posted of the two of them arguing rather vehemently about food of all things. Figures that they couldn’t dare to argue with each other about something serious but the moment you brought up irrelevant discourse about breakfast foods, they were both at each other’s necks and attracting the attention of an entire restaurant with their antics. Alya thought about telling them that they acted exactly like an old married couple who loved to bicker about the little things and didn’t sweat the big ones, but she figured it would sound odd considering they were trying to convince the world of the exact opposite. 

The three of them ended up on top of an apartment building near the café with Alya leaning against the chimney and moderating all the comments that were steadily pouring onto the end of the video. She must have been at it for longer than she realized because at some point Ladybug and Chat Noir discarded their weapons next to her and started killing time in that way they usually did whenever people randomly caught footage of them on their patrols at night. They’d switched from a crunching competition to doing handstands on the edge of the roof to some light hand-to-hand practice by the time Alya was sure she’d gotten all of the inappropriate comments off. 

“Sorry about this,” Alya told them as Chat Noir knocked Ladybug onto her back and declared himself the winner of their second round. “My friend Nino usually helps mod this stuff for me when I’m busy but he’s got a family thing right now and I don’t want to let the comments get too cluttered.”

“Take your time, we don’t have much to do today anyway,” Ladybug said, sounding slightly out of breath. She nodded at Chat Noir. “Again.” 

“Don’t stay so flat footed by the way,” Chat Noir told her. “Stay bouncing on your toes and you can move quicker. When you’re ready.” 

Ladybug lunged at him first while Chat Noir quickly blocked her punch, and Alya cleared her throat as she pulled up a few comments. “Alright. So the results of that little show during brunch are turning out to be interesting.”

“I can’t believe you actually uploaded all of that,” Chat Noir called over, ducking underneath Ladybug’s kick and coming up behind her. 

“It was the closest thing to a fight I was going to get out of you two, of course I posted it. We’ve been at this for like two days, I’ve gotta take what I can get.”

Ladybug landed a kick in Chat Noir’s abdomen but he stepped back with the momentum of the blow and stayed steady on his feet. “Well, is the video helping?”

Alya sighed. “So a few things are happening. Good news is that there are actually a few people who are theorizing that your non-existent relationship is looking a little rocky.” 

“Oh sweet!” Chat Noir grinned. “That’s good!”

“Alright. So. LadynoirXOXO229 said ‘if they’re fighting about something as silly as eggs I can only imagine what their really bad fights must look like. I’m worried.’ Frowny face, frowny face, sobbing emoji.”

Ladybug snorted. “Our really bad fights involve akumas flinging us halfway across the city.” She hissed when her arm collided with Chat’s steel-toed boots as she blocked one of his kicks. “If you can deal with that, you can deal with anything.”

“Uh, ChatNoirIsMySon said, ‘jesus I never expected them to get so uppity about something as simple as eggs. Are they okay?’”

Chat Noir paused for a moment and sighed forlornly. “No, unfortunately. I feel horribly betrayed.”

“Oh get over it,” Ladybug said with an eyeroll. “If you feel so betrayed why don’t you try knocking me over again?”

“So  _ demanding! _ ”

“And then ItsCalledChatBug — um yeah,  _ sure _ buddy, like I didn’t totally coin Ladynoir from like day one — they said ‘Ladybug looked about two seconds from punching Chat Noir in the face.’ You’ve got a few more comments that all read something like that so I’d say that the seed is planted.” 

“Well that’s a good sign I g —!!” His sentence was cut off as Ladybug took advantage of his distraction and swiped his feet out from under him with her leg and left him sprawling on his back. He grunted when Ladybug playfully planted her foot in the middle of his chest and waved sweetly at him. Chat scowled at her and held his hand out so that she could help him up. “Stop looking so self-satisfied,” he muttered. “I’m still winning.”

“For now.”

“Now for the bad news,” Alya continued, ignoring their back and forth. “Which is what I was admittedly afraid of when I posted the thing. It kind of just encouraged people. Like a lot of people. Like they think you guys are such a cute and adorable couple and that this is proof of how close the two of you are.” 

“Well I guess they’re not  _ wrong _ ,” Ladybug reasoned. “At least not completely.” 

“So HawkmothGetBent said , ‘this is literally how me and my boyfriend are all the time this is the single most adorable thing I’ve ever seen the two of them do.’ LBBeauty said ‘this is the greatest thing to ever happen to the Internet hands down everyone else go home.’ OhMyWhiskers said ‘I’d pay money to see the two of them do stuff like this on a daily basis. Relationship goals tbh.’ So essentially we took two steps forward and then took two steps backwards. Meaning we didn’t go anywhere. Although, I will say you two got me a ridiculous amount of followers this weekend so thank you very much for that.” 

“Dude, who is OhMyWhiskers I want that username,” Chat Noir laughed. 

Ladybug stopped for a moment, gently smacked his arm, and pointed to her eyes. “Focus before I accidentally punch you somewhere important.” 

“Sorry, sorry. Come at me, I’m ready.”

Alya started laughing. “Oh man, okay, get this. Because I’m a little asshole, I pinned a poll at the top of the blog asking people what they thought about eggs. So far it’s 60% yay and 40% nay.”

“Ha!” Ladybug cheered as they kept on fighting. “What did I tell you?”

“You are not changing my mind, they’re still gross, and we are not reopening this discussion.” 

Alya stuffed her phone in her jacket and pillowed her arms behind her head as she laid down flat on the roof. Out of the corner of her eyes she could still see that they were sparring but she decided to think out loud anyway. “I think we need to just screw it and do something dramatic. Like we’ve been doing things by the books this entire time. I think we just need something super crazy and out there you know? Just sucker punch everyone with the news.”

They were caught in a really intense moment of rapid blows and blocks, but when they briefly pushed away from each other to catch their breaths Ladybug answered, “How crazy are we talking?” 

Alya shrugged and started fiddling with the ends of her jacket sleeves. “What if you both faked your deaths?”

Chat Noir wiped his forehead. “Then Paris would be doomed because Hawkmoth would have a field day.”

“Oh right, I forgot about that part,” Alya mumbled. “What if only Ladybug faked her death?”

“Then there would be no one to purify akumas and Chat would have to fight by himself.”

“Okay, so we kill Chat Noir.”

Chat Noir frowned. “I think we’ll run into a similar problem.”

“Fine!” she said, throwing up her arms. “Then I’ll fake my death.”

Ladybug snorted. “I don’t see how that’ll help us. Or you for that matter.” 

“Well I don’t know what else to come up with,” Alya complained. “I’m totally out of ideas. I honestly didn’t mean to make you both uncomfortable. And I know how I can get with the fan theories and stuff and I need to remember that you guys are  _ real people _ and I have to be careful about all that stuff. I get it. Trust me. So I thought I could like make up for it by helping you and fixing my mistake, but I’m hitting a block. And it doesn’t help that you two are literally impossible to work with! Always gotta make things complicated!”

Chat Noir laughed and walked over to gently pat her on the head. “I can’t tell if you’re mad at us or mad at yourself, but don’t worry about it. We know you weren’t trying to be mean about it. And you realized your mistakes. We’re not mad, we promise.” 

“Not even about these rumors running around?”

Ladybug shrugged. “I mean, I won’t lie, I’d prefer if they weren’t out there. Like I said, it’s just….weird to have everyone wishing for you to get together with another guy when you’ve got a boyfriend you love very much. But we’re not going to hate you if it turns out we can’t squash them. We’ll just have to deal.”

Alya bit her lip. “I can still take those pictures down, you know. It’s a little late in the game, but at least it’ll help. Or at least delete the shippy caption. It’ll only take a second.”

“There’s still hope of this blowing over eventually though, right?” Ladybug asked. 

Alya and Chat Noir laughed simultaneously. “Not likely, my Lady,” Chat Noir said regretfully. “Like I said. Our fans are  _ really _ intense.” 

Alya chewed on the nail of her thumb and kept her gaze up at the overcast sky. “Hey, I know we’re not like…. _ super _ close friends or anything. And you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but totally off the record: did this shipping stuff bother you before you started dating your partners? I know you kinda said it didn’t, but why?” 

Chat Noir hummed and sat cross legged next to Alya’s head. “I mean, to be honest, we didn’t realize that we had an official fandom until recently. I mean, we’ve been following your blog for ages, but now it’s like the center for everything having to do with us. At first when we found out about it, we were kind of too surprised to really have an opinion. It wasn’t something we ever expected to happen to us.”

“Everyone loves you two,” Alya explained. “No one would bother with being this extra if they didn’t really care about you and what you do for us.”

Ladybug leaned against the chimney and stared down at Alya and Chat. “We know,” she smiled. “It’s just this whole superhero thing got sprung on us really unexpectedly. All we knew was that we had these powers and there were people who needed us. We do this because it’s necessary, because we’re the only people who can do what we do. We sort of didn’t think about everything else. Like the fanfare and the publicity and standing up for something bigger. So it took us a while to react.”

“And when you finally did?”

Chat Noir shrugged. “I mean, I don’t know we sort of just ignored it. People sometimes got really crazy with it when they asked personal questions or were inappropriate or something like that. Most of the time, though, it was just stuff on the Internet and gossip and it’s easy to just not take that stuff seriously. But it’s different when you have someone you really care about — someone that makes you happy and someone that knows you so well — and you’re hearing everyone just talk about how much they say you’re the perfect match for a completely different girl.”

“We care about each other so much,” Ladybug said. “Honestly. I can’t imagine not having Chat Noir around. We act the way we do because we’re important to each other, and he’s one of my closest friends. But it’s just not like that, you know? We’re both in relationships that make us so happy, so it’s just not gonna happen with the two of us. It’s weird having the Internet think otherwise.” 

“I see what you’re saying, but I also understand why people think the way they do,” Alya said. “ _ I _ thought that until you told me you weren’t together. You just have this chemistry with each other. It’s not something you see all the time, you know? So it’s easy for people to assume it’s something romantic.” 

Ladybug reached down and fiddled with the ends of Chat Noir’s hair. “We kind of have to have that chemistry.”

Alya frowned. “What do you mean? 

“When you do what we do and have a partner doing it along with you, have to learn how to put your whole trust into that person,” Ladybug replied. “I wouldn’t be able to defeat akumas if I didn’t have total faith in Chat to keep me safe or distract an enemy or agree to a really last minute plan. We have to be close. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t be able to work as well as we do. And doing our job would be impossible.” 

“So you guys got close really quickly because you had to?”

“Eh, yes and no,” Chat Noir decided. “Don’t get me wrong, we had to really get used to each other and spend a lot of time together at first once we realized this was our job now. But it also happened kind of naturally. Even in our first battle when we were strangers, we worked really well together. We don’t clash on the important stuff and that lets us work together without much tension. It’s almost too good to be true sometimes, but I’ve learned not to question it.”

Ladybug laughed when Chat Noir smiled happily and nuzzled against her hand. “The two of us lucked out. I couldn’t possibly ask for anyone better. And I guess maybe from the outside looking in it does come off a certain way to some people.”

“Plus it also helps that we are both very good looking. Especially me.”

Ladybug frowned and reached over to punch him in the shoulder, but he rolled to the side and hopped up on his feet before she could touch him. He winked and stuck his tongue out. “Ah, you gotta be quicker than that.” 

“Oh square up, you loser. You’re just waiting for me to get a good hit in aren’t you?” 

“It wouldn’t be a full day otherwise.” 

“God,” Alya laughed. “If you’re this nauseating with each other I can only imagine you two with the people you’re dating. Chat’s girlfriend must get sick of you very quickly.”

Ladybug rolled her eyes. “Oh man, I can only imagine.”

“Excuse the both of you, I am a gentleman,” Chat said, sounding affronted. “I regale her with my love, affection, and quality puns on a daily basis just like every self respecting man ought to do. And I make her laugh. That’s important in a relationship.”

“You sure she’s not laughing out of pity?”

“You know what? Just for that? I’m not going to feel bad when I punch you. Let’s go.”

“Don’t test me. I’ll deck you in the face and then your girlfriend is gonna wonder why a little girl beat you up.”

“First of all rude. Second of all, everyone knows you’re a certified badass so stop acting humble and kick my ass already.” 

Alya cupped her hands around her mouth. “You’re killing me with all of this banter, go get a room!” she laughed. 

They both made silly faces at her and continued on with their sparring, and Alya was comfortable to enjoy the weather, watch the sky, and occasionally look over at the two of them taking advantage of each other’s company without the dramatics of an akuma getting involved. As exhausting as dealing with both of them was, Alya was in a way grateful for what little time she got to spend with them. Sure she’d snagged interviews with them before, but those had always been business first. This was just Ladybug and Chat Noir acting their age, being dorks, and taking advantage of an opportunity to have some fun. It was a charming look into their relationship that Alya only ever got to see literal snapshots of, and, all this dating-not dating drama aside, it made her realize how precious it seemed. These weren’t jobs they asked for, but they made do and gained each other out of the deal. It wasn’t until then that she felt bad for trying to publicly smear their relationship, even if it was fake and only for the sake of diffusing rumors that she started. 

It wasn’t just that she was out of ideas. It was also that it wasn’t fair to make the world think that Ladybug and Chat Noir were anything other than what they were right now — two people who meant the world to each other even through the worst of times. Two people who shared something special. 

She let out a huge sigh. Looks like she was back to square one — doing this the hard way. Buzz about their supposed relationship was going to be ridiculously difficult to kill and it was going to take  _ forever _ . But editing her original post and killing the rumor on her blog was probably a good place to start with. After that, it was just squashing all of the dissents to the correction in the comments sections. Maybe she could get help. Alya would cover the Ladyblog, Nino would cover Facebook, Marinette would deal with Instagram, and Adrien would snoop around on Tumblr. Hell, maybe she could bribe Chloe to yell at people on Twitter. She was no doubt pissed to hear that Ladybug was dating Chat Noir instead of her and would probably enjoy dashing everyone’s hopes. There were no guarantees that any of it would actually help put a dent in things, but at least it was something. 

God this was going to suck. Lesson learned. Marinette was going to be reminding her about this slip up for months. 

Although, even as she was thinking this, her reporter instincts were bringing up one last question to niggle in the back of her mind as she kept watching the heroes. She wasn’t sure when she’d be able to speak with them this candidly again in the future and — off the record of course — there was just something she had to know for herself. 

“Can I ask one more question?” she said. 

“Sure,” Ladybug struggled out in between ducks and blows. “What’s up?”

“Did you have any feelings for each other before you both started seeing other people?”

Chat Noir froze and snapped his head towards Alya. “Wait,  _ what??” _

But he picked the wrong moment to get distracted because right when Chat Noir stopped, it was already too late for Ladybug to stop the right-hook she had aimed straight for his face. Instead of dodging, he felt the full force of her fist to his cheek and went sprawling back a couple of feet before landing on his butt and howling at the searing pain that was spreading all over the left side of his face. 

“Oh my God!!!” Ladybug screamed. “I’m so sorry!! Oh no, oh no, I didn’t expect you to just stop, I’m so sorry.”

“Ah, Jesus,” Chat Noir said, working his sore jaw. “When you said you wanted to deck me in the face I thought you were kidding.” 

Ladybug gently cupped his injured cheek and turned his head. “Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

Chat Noir laughed. “Nah, you’re good. Might just bruise a bit, that’s all. I deserved it for not paying attention.”

Ladybug bit her lip and pressed a quick apology kiss to his cheek. “I’m still sorry.”

“It’s fine, honest.  _ Crap _ you hit hard though!”

Alya came over and winced at his cheek. “Dude, you’re gonna wanna ice that. She really clocked you good.”

“Yeah, my bad, I was, uh….trying to hear your question and I got distracted. What was it again?”

Alya bit her lip, opened her mouth, but decided against it. “Never mind. It’s honestly nothing, don’t worry about it. Besides, I’ve gotta get going anyways.” She pulled out her cell phone and checked the time. “My little sisters are going to be back from their sleepover soon and I need to look after them until Maman comes home.”

“Need help getting down?” Ladybug asked. “I could give you a lift back home if you want.”

“Don’t worry about it. If I biked all the way here just to try some eggs, I can bike home.” 

Ladybug let Alya hang onto her yoyo while she gently lowered her down to the sidewalk. Chat Noir crawled over, huffing and whining in pain while holding his cheek, and called down to her while she unchained her bike. “What are we going to do about this whole dating rumors thing?”

Alya shrugged. “Eh, I’m all out of ideas at the moment. I’m gonna sleep on it and probably do some damage control on social media in the meantime so at least it feels like I’m doing something. You know where to find me if you’ve got a way to make this blow over quicker. I’ll do some thinking too.” 

“We trust you,” Ladybug smiled. “And thanks for everything. Even though it really didn’t go the way we planned.” 

“Oh, that’s an understatement,” she chuckled. Alya straddled her bike and saluted the two heroes. “Welp. It’s been a blast, you crazy kids. And pay better attention so pretty girls don’t beat the crap out of you, Chat. Okay?”

He rolled his eyes and gave her a thumbs up, still holding his face. “Yeah. Sure. Will do.” 

Ladybug pouted. “You want some ice, kitty? I’ll run to the bakery across the street.” 

Chat sniffled and nodded. “Yes please.” 

Alya shook her head in amusement and pushed off from her bike waving over her shoulder as she dipped into the street and headed home. Yup. These two were definitely special, alright. 


End file.
